Just over 3 months ago Andy and I started dating. I also happened to get divorced the day BEFORE we became "official." I know it's only been a short period of time, but this man is freaking AMAZING to me, and has helped me in so many ways! He's standing back and watching me become the person I want to be and the person for ten years I could not be. He's has an incredible amount of patience with me and I am so glad I have found someone mature enough to handle all that I have in my life right now. But the thought of getting married scares the heck out of me. (NO we're not talking about it.. calm down) I want to get married, and I'm pretty darn sure if I do it will be to this man, but it won't be anytime soon. Now the reason I am typing this is this.
Brad got remarried today. We got divorced three months ago as stated above, and only separated nine months ago. I just don't understand how someone that obviously has family that love him nearby (because until two days ago he lived with his mother)and members of the church he's talking to like the Bishop, NOT TO MENTION A THERAPIST.. why these people didn't tell him he's crazy for remarrying so soon. He's known this woman for seven or eight months, and has only seen her a handful of times, and has only had the children interact with her like three times, and her daughter once... He's in for a lot of hard work and I'm honestly scared for my children because I have never once stopped thinking he's an abusive dickhead and I fear that his brash decision to get married will have an adverse effect not only on my children, but his mentality as well and that he will revert back to his old ways and take his anger and aggression out on my children. I'm trying extremely hard to be civil with him, and to not hurt anymore from this whole traumatic experience, but I honestly do not think he's a good parent. I don't think any amount of literature on the issue could prepare him for what he's about to face and, like I said, I'm scared for my kids.
Not only am I now dealing with Benjamin's behavior at school but I got a phone call today regarding Saria.. the word they almost used was "bullying" but it's not quite that severe yet. I have said all along that joint custody for my children is a terrible mistake (because I know my kids)but because I did not have money for a lawyer and none of my amazing family would/could help me in that area, the joint custody thing is PERMANENT until/unless I can get the school or a therapist to basically state that this is not working for the children's best interest. I am confident that that time is coming, I just hope he doesn't fight me for custody like a moron because he and I both know that my kids are my world and he became an active parent only just recently. It's the kids in the long run that ultimately will suffer, and I fear for them, but I know that they're bright, they're intelligent, and they will see the truth for what it is when they're old enough to. I wish him the best of luck, I honestly do, but I think he has made a terrible mistake... not my place to say though, so shutting up :)
Friday, January 27, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Bitter Bitter Selfish Girl.
1. I am entitled to be a bitch here, and if I offend you GOOD, quite possibly it's in part because the truth hurts.
2. I am selfish, and I've been told so recently by a few different people and once again I'M ENTITLED TO BE SELFISH, because if I didn't care about me, myself, and I WHO WOULD?
3. My entire life can be summed up in 3 words, MY FAMILY SUCKS.
My mother and I never got along, she favored my sister who I've secretly dubbed "the star child." Whenever something bad happened, it was always my fault no matter what, so eventually I made bad things happen-it was the only way I could get her attention and I didn't care if it was negative, it was her attention. My dad took me under his wing and I was a daddy's girl until the day I came home from school and he no longer lived there. My parents got divorced, and they did the typical lets use my kids as leverage bullshit that mature adults do when they realize they hate each other and probably have all this time but they just wanted to feel normal and so gave it a go for as long as they could. Anyway, realize for the love of GOD that this scars your children for life. I can honestly remember my mother asking me to fake cry while she called the ex husband of my step mother because she could not get in contact with my dad and wanted him to contact her by thinking one of the kids got hurt. I also remember asking for things from my dad that I honestly did not want, just to see if he'd buy them for me and my thoughts were, "hey dad, I think you've kinda lost focus on who I am and although I enjoy your company.. DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!?!"
Anyway, I just really want to tell them off in so many ways, but that's not who I am. So I'm venting it here in hopes that I can find some closure along the way, or maybe just releasing it will help. I lost custody of my children to a man that I was married to for ten years whom has been violent towards my kids several times and actually has a CPS case against him for giving my son a black eye when he was five years old. It INFURIATES me to know that if I had had the money for a lawyer (I was a stay at home mother and never worked a job before because I graduated from High School with a one month old baby) I would have gained custody of my children. Neither of my parents had the money to help me (so they say) and despite since then me finding a job that pays well enough that I can afford an attorney, the parenting plan is final and there's nothing that can be done about it. SO yea, I'm freaking bitter. I don't think I will ever make an effort to take my kids and visit my parents again, the way I see it is I owe them absolutely nothing and if they wanted to see me or my kids they'd find a way.
I really just wanna scream at the top of my lungs 'HEY GUYS I'M SO FREAKING GLAD YOU GUYS BOTH HAD FRIENDS/FAMILY THAT HELPED YOU FINANCIALLY WHILE YOU GOT DIVORCED, IT MUST HAVE BEEN NICE!!!
2. I am selfish, and I've been told so recently by a few different people and once again I'M ENTITLED TO BE SELFISH, because if I didn't care about me, myself, and I WHO WOULD?
3. My entire life can be summed up in 3 words, MY FAMILY SUCKS.
My mother and I never got along, she favored my sister who I've secretly dubbed "the star child." Whenever something bad happened, it was always my fault no matter what, so eventually I made bad things happen-it was the only way I could get her attention and I didn't care if it was negative, it was her attention. My dad took me under his wing and I was a daddy's girl until the day I came home from school and he no longer lived there. My parents got divorced, and they did the typical lets use my kids as leverage bullshit that mature adults do when they realize they hate each other and probably have all this time but they just wanted to feel normal and so gave it a go for as long as they could. Anyway, realize for the love of GOD that this scars your children for life. I can honestly remember my mother asking me to fake cry while she called the ex husband of my step mother because she could not get in contact with my dad and wanted him to contact her by thinking one of the kids got hurt. I also remember asking for things from my dad that I honestly did not want, just to see if he'd buy them for me and my thoughts were, "hey dad, I think you've kinda lost focus on who I am and although I enjoy your company.. DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!?!"
Anyway, I just really want to tell them off in so many ways, but that's not who I am. So I'm venting it here in hopes that I can find some closure along the way, or maybe just releasing it will help. I lost custody of my children to a man that I was married to for ten years whom has been violent towards my kids several times and actually has a CPS case against him for giving my son a black eye when he was five years old. It INFURIATES me to know that if I had had the money for a lawyer (I was a stay at home mother and never worked a job before because I graduated from High School with a one month old baby) I would have gained custody of my children. Neither of my parents had the money to help me (so they say) and despite since then me finding a job that pays well enough that I can afford an attorney, the parenting plan is final and there's nothing that can be done about it. SO yea, I'm freaking bitter. I don't think I will ever make an effort to take my kids and visit my parents again, the way I see it is I owe them absolutely nothing and if they wanted to see me or my kids they'd find a way.
I really just wanna scream at the top of my lungs 'HEY GUYS I'M SO FREAKING GLAD YOU GUYS BOTH HAD FRIENDS/FAMILY THAT HELPED YOU FINANCIALLY WHILE YOU GOT DIVORCED, IT MUST HAVE BEEN NICE!!!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
The end is only another beginning
Divorce: I didn't believe in it, but I think now that I've gone through it I not only believe in it but embrace it. I can say so many things regarding divorce, but it's different for everyone. I thought they took a lot longer to finish, but luckily (at least for him) it went quickly. I'm not even going to begin to go into detail as to the circumstances that led to this divorce, but I'll say what I tell my children, "sometimes two people just don't belong together." Life has been so kind to me. I say that when I can take a moment to sit back and visualize all the wonderful blessings that have occurred since my divorce. For one, I got a job, which kinda begins my journey to self reliance/sufficiency. I kinda relied on a man for the last ten years of my life to take care of me, and while I won't go into details, it's nice to be able to spend some money on myself and my children when I know that I earned it. I even have a savings account that is well on its way. I am happy knowing that if I had an emergency right now, I could financially afford one.
Growing as a person has been another huge step for me. Somedays are a lot harder than others, but I know a tear or so a day keeps me sane. I vent constantly through verbalization or through crying like a baby, and honestly, it helps me-not get over the situation, but accept it. I don't think I have GOTTEN over ANYTHING in my life that has affected me. I have a serious tendency to dwell on things I cannot control and worry about things that really have no significance. I'm very slowly learning to take things in stride, and to allow myself to get angry when its appropriate, and then kinda accept it. One of my favorite lines lately (at least in my own head, where I keep a lot of stuff) is "It is what it is." I have a long way to go before I will be OK in this area, and I am thankful that I have someone in my life that is so patient and loving that is willing to help me through this time.
Growing as a person has been another huge step for me. Somedays are a lot harder than others, but I know a tear or so a day keeps me sane. I vent constantly through verbalization or through crying like a baby, and honestly, it helps me-not get over the situation, but accept it. I don't think I have GOTTEN over ANYTHING in my life that has affected me. I have a serious tendency to dwell on things I cannot control and worry about things that really have no significance. I'm very slowly learning to take things in stride, and to allow myself to get angry when its appropriate, and then kinda accept it. One of my favorite lines lately (at least in my own head, where I keep a lot of stuff) is "It is what it is." I have a long way to go before I will be OK in this area, and I am thankful that I have someone in my life that is so patient and loving that is willing to help me through this time.
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