You may never read this, but please know that I love you.

I found out a few weeks ago that my father did not go to my graduation. I have honestly tried to deal with this in the best way I can but for some reason I can't do it anymore. There's a story behind this.


Once upon a time this little girl's parents got divorced because they couldn't get along and always fought. This girl's mother favored her older sister over her and because of that the little girl's father took her under his wing and treated her extra nice. This made up a majority of the fighting that took place between her parents in this young girl's life. (not only does this little girl firmly believe her mother favored/favors her older sister, but it has been confirmed to her by several people that came into this girl's life as she was growing up.)ANYWAY, girl's parents divorce and her father remarries like... 2 months later I believe and she will absolutely never forget being told by her step mother that "if you want a relationship with your father you better get used to me because I come with the package!" I don't mean to be rude here, but to be honest, that little girl existed long before your new marriage so in actuality SHE came with the package, not your new wife. Anyhoo, as you can imagine being a 13 year old by itself was hard enough but she kinda grew to, well ,lets just say NOT REALLY GET ALONG WELL with the new wife and because of this, when it came time for her high school graduation, she opted to reserve the tenth ticket for her boyfriend with whom she had just had a child over the stepmom and because of this, her father decided not to attend her graduation.

I can totally see where, IN THAT MOMENT, choosing to hurt your 18 year old daughter because she hurt you sounds like a good idea, but seriously, did you ever think that HEY MY CHILD ONLY GRADUATES ONCE IN HER LIFE and she has plenty of time to learn to grow up and while she's acting immature I'll ignore it and carry on and won't stoop to her level?


I asked my father if there was any way he could help me financially to retain custody of my children, I was trying to get on my feet, trying to find a job, trying to do everything in my power to survive and he always turned me down for help. He kept telling me that I have an uncle with money and I should ask him, but the truth of the matter is this.. I ASKED MY FATHER, BECAUSE WHEN A CHILD IS IN DESPERATE NEED LIKE THAT, THE FIRST PEOPLE THEY SHOULD THINK OF IS THEIR PARENTS. In my eyes, he should have then asked his brother for help so that he could help his daughter out in her time of need. My MOTHER humiliated me. She told me that if I had sent an email to my family members on my father's side asking for help financially and if they all said no, that she would pay the debt I was asking for help with in its entirety. Not only did she respond inappropriately to their responses because I also sent it to her as proof that I sent the stupid email, but she didn't send me one red cent. I ended up paying a majoirty of the care note myelf, and still owe my boyfriend (whom I had been dating less than two months at the time) 300 dollars.

You see, I have three children with whom I have been battling for custody. They are my life, my light and my world. Without them, I feel like I do not even possess the energy to function properly. I would never in a million years for any circumstance miss their graduation. And if I ever did, I would hate myself for the rest of my life, and I would make so much effort to make it up to them.

Dad, if you ever read this, I honestly do not think there will ever be a point in my lifetime that you could possibly fix the hurt that you have caused. I love you, but you absolutely broke my heart.

As for my mother, I have always felt that I needed to prove myself to you.. I spent my entire life so far trying to gain acceptance from you, trying to get your attention and your love the way my sister has it. I constantly tell you how I feel and you spit back answers about it all being in my head etc. It's not all in my head mom, it's been validated to me by several people that saw it as I was growing up. I love you, but I honestly do not think you will ever grow up and it saddens me to know that I have tried so many times to fix our relationship but I'm coming to the conclusion that you are not worth the emotions you make me feel. I wish I could wash my hands of both of you the way I feel like you have done to me, but I have 2 parents in this lifetime, and no matter what, I am not going to turn my back on you two ever. I'm not perfect, I make mistakes (which my mother likes to point out to me on a constant basis) but that is one thing I will never do. If you ever need help from me all you have to do is ask and I'll make sure I do more than PRAY for you. I will do whatever I can for you.

To Each His Own

Just over 3 months ago Andy and I started dating. I also happened to get divorced the day BEFORE we became "official." I know it's only been a short period of time, but this man is freaking AMAZING to me, and has helped me in so many ways! He's standing back and watching me become the person I want to be and the person for ten years I could not be. He's has an incredible amount of patience with me and I am so glad I have found someone mature enough to handle all that I have in my life right now. But the thought of getting married scares the heck out of me. (NO we're not talking about it.. calm down) I want to get married, and I'm pretty darn sure if I do it will be to this man, but it won't be anytime soon. Now the reason I am typing this is this.


Brad got remarried today. We got divorced three months ago as stated above, and only separated nine months ago. I just don't understand how someone that obviously has family that love him nearby (because until two days ago he lived with his mother)and members of the church he's talking to like the Bishop, NOT TO MENTION A THERAPIST.. why these people didn't tell him he's crazy for remarrying so soon. He's known this woman for seven or eight months, and has only seen her a handful of times, and has only had the children interact with her like three times, and her daughter once... He's in for a lot of hard work and I'm honestly scared for my children because I have never once stopped thinking he's an abusive dickhead and I fear that his brash decision to get married will have an adverse effect not only on my children, but his mentality as well and that he will revert back to his old ways and take his anger and aggression out on my children. I'm trying extremely hard to be civil with him, and to not hurt anymore from this whole traumatic experience, but I honestly do not think he's a good parent. I don't think any amount of literature on the issue could prepare him for what he's about to face and, like I said, I'm scared for my kids.

Not only am I now dealing with Benjamin's behavior at school but I got a phone call today regarding Saria.. the word they almost used was "bullying" but it's not quite that severe yet. I have said all along that joint custody for my children is a terrible mistake (because I know my kids)but because I did not have money for a lawyer and none of my amazing family would/could help me in that area, the joint custody thing is PERMANENT until/unless I can get the school or a therapist to basically state that this is not working for the children's best interest. I am confident that that time is coming, I just hope he doesn't fight me for custody like a moron because he and I both know that my kids are my world and he became an active parent only just recently. It's the kids in the long run that ultimately will suffer, and I fear for them, but I know that they're bright, they're intelligent, and they will see the truth for what it is when they're old enough to. I wish him the best of luck, I honestly do, but I think he has made a terrible mistake... not my place to say though, so shutting up :)

Bitter Bitter Selfish Girl.

1. I am entitled to be a bitch here, and if I offend you GOOD, quite possibly it's in part because the truth hurts.
2. I am selfish, and I've been told so recently by a few different people and once again I'M ENTITLED TO BE SELFISH, because if I didn't care about me, myself, and I WHO WOULD?
3. My entire life can be summed up in 3 words, MY FAMILY SUCKS.


My mother and I never got along, she favored my sister who I've secretly dubbed "the star child." Whenever something bad happened, it was always my fault no matter what, so eventually I made bad things happen-it was the only way I could get her attention and I didn't care if it was negative, it was her attention. My dad took me under his wing and I was a daddy's girl until the day I came home from school and he no longer lived there. My parents got divorced, and they did the typical lets use my kids as leverage bullshit that mature adults do when they realize they hate each other and probably have all this time but they just wanted to feel normal and so gave it a go for as long as they could. Anyway, realize for the love of GOD that this scars your children for life. I can honestly remember my mother asking me to fake cry while she called the ex husband of my step mother because she could not get in contact with my dad and wanted him to contact her by thinking one of the kids got hurt. I also remember asking for things from my dad that I honestly did not want, just to see if he'd buy them for me and my thoughts were, "hey dad, I think you've kinda lost focus on who I am and although I enjoy your company.. DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!?!"



Anyway, I just really want to tell them off in so many ways, but that's not who I am. So I'm venting it here in hopes that I can find some closure along the way, or maybe just releasing it will help. I lost custody of my children to a man that I was married to for ten years whom has been violent towards my kids several times and actually has a CPS case against him for giving my son a black eye when he was five years old. It INFURIATES me to know that if I had had the money for a lawyer (I was a stay at home mother and never worked a job before because I graduated from High School with a one month old baby) I would have gained custody of my children. Neither of my parents had the money to help me (so they say) and despite since then me finding a job that pays well enough that I can afford an attorney, the parenting plan is final and there's nothing that can be done about it. SO yea, I'm freaking bitter. I don't think I will ever make an effort to take my kids and visit my parents again, the way I see it is I owe them absolutely nothing and if they wanted to see me or my kids they'd find a way.
I really just wanna scream at the top of my lungs 'HEY GUYS I'M SO FREAKING GLAD YOU GUYS BOTH HAD FRIENDS/FAMILY THAT HELPED YOU FINANCIALLY WHILE YOU GOT DIVORCED, IT MUST HAVE BEEN NICE!!!

The end is only another beginning

Divorce: I didn't believe in it, but I think now that I've gone through it I not only believe in it but embrace it. I can say so many things regarding divorce, but it's different for everyone. I thought they took a lot longer to finish, but luckily (at least for him) it went quickly. I'm not even going to begin to go into detail as to the circumstances that led to this divorce, but I'll say what I tell my children, "sometimes two people just don't belong together." Life has been so kind to me. I say that when I can take a moment to sit back and visualize all the wonderful blessings that have occurred since my divorce. For one, I got a job, which kinda begins my journey to self reliance/sufficiency. I kinda relied on a man for the last ten years of my life to take care of me, and while I won't go into details, it's nice to be able to spend some money on myself and my children when I know that I earned it. I even have a savings account that is well on its way. I am happy knowing that if I had an emergency right now, I could financially afford one.

Growing as a person has been another huge step for me. Somedays are a lot harder than others, but I know a tear or so a day keeps me sane. I vent constantly through verbalization or through crying like a baby, and honestly, it helps me-not get over the situation, but accept it. I don't think I have GOTTEN over ANYTHING in my life that has affected me. I have a serious tendency to dwell on things I cannot control and worry about things that really have no significance. I'm very slowly learning to take things in stride, and to allow myself to get angry when its appropriate, and then kinda accept it. One of my favorite lines lately (at least in my own head, where I keep a lot of stuff) is "It is what it is." I have a long way to go before I will be OK in this area, and I am thankful that I have someone in my life that is so patient and loving that is willing to help me through this time.